My intense love is closely intertwined with intense hate. I spent the day brewing beer at my workplace and came home to catch the last half of, “Undercover Boss” on tv, where new president of the Kendall-Jackson winery disguises himself as a worker, only to later reveal and gift those worthy employees with new promotions, benefits, money, as well as demotions. The Huffington Post has a great article on it if you are interested.
Anyways, back to humans: we intrigue me. How do we keep on keeping on? What is that driving force that pulls us towards overcoming? And why? Wouldn’t it just be easier to give up sometimes?
Eight hours of sweat and hard work to make one batch of craft beer (me). Twenty years of dedication to a company (Kendall-Jackson) for one man to finally feel appreciated. And for what? So that some college kids (that I also have the privelage of playing the role of waitress for) can get drunk, have a good time, and then go on Yelp to describe how “meh” the beer was at Triple Rock? So that one man (Kendall-Jackson guy) can finally take a vacation with his family? How did he get by in the meantime?
Sometimes I think about death, sadness, and “what if the person I love the most leaves me?” I think about how intense joy is interwined with intense sadness, love and hate, as well as life and death. Those thoughts creep up on me. I used to think I could control this by bringing on intense emotion through thought. I still do, I suppose. I thought, “If I face it now, I will not be surprised when it creeps up on me later,” until I found myself in a six-year long depression, and spiralling downward.
I don’t think we know what we are doing here. Great novelist, playwright, and poet Samuel Beckett quotes, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” I still don’t feel at ease, but maybe that’s my path.
In a letter to his sister, Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “Hence the ways of men part: if you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then believe; if you wish to be a devotee of truth, then inquire.” I never wanted to have an inquiring mind. It just happened.